Moments

There are so many moments that parents wait for from the moment they find out they are expecting. They wait for the moment their child is born and all the first that follows. The first time they give that great belly laugh, the first time they roll over, crawl, take a step, etc.  In these moments are also included the first time your child calls utters “mama” or “dada” – and eventually “I love you.”

I have realized as a parent of a 13-year old many of these moments for him have past and now just getting him to give a hug is an accomplishment. With Michael these are moments I had hoped to have by now but, know that we will eventually have in the future.  I have also realized there are a lot things we take for granted as parents. Like teaching kids to show affection and “give kisses.” 

I have had two times with Michael where it was as if the fog was lifted and he realized who I was. In that moment he took full advantage and gave me a kiss – a nice lips puckered kiss. I of course invade his space daily and give him kisses but, always with nothing in return!! 

There are still plenty of moments I look forward in sharing with him  - I love to watch him read, I love listening to him sing in the car and probably most enjoyable I love watching him play with Gabby after their bath and before bed. He gets her to chase him and then he throws himself on the floor so she can tickle him. She is still learning her role in this game – but it is so fun to see them enjoy each other. 

A Boiling Pot

I realized this week that I will need to learn to be more comfortable living as a boiling pot of water. “What do you mean?” you ask.  Well I use this analogy because, it finally happened this week. I broke down in a meeting for no good reason.  I knew the tears were inevitable and just sitting back waiting for the right moment to decide to show. I could feel it bubbling up but, I just couldn’t think of a good reason to excuse myself. I tried drinking water, etc. but – it was inevitable.  Lucky, for me it was just “us girls.” Mostly, I think it was as a result of having a minute to just sit and think...I have been so busy up until that moment there hasn't been an opportunity for me to reflect on everything.

Up until this point in my life I felt like I had managed stress, motherhood, being a wife ok – even sometimes well. I have realized that before now I was a pot of water – but probably on medium with no cover. Now, I am a pot of water still on medium but, someone has placed the cover on that pot. Result: the occasional moments where I bubble up enough that something has to spill over to make sure the majority of me stays upright.  I know as we figure out what this new life means to us and begin to feel the ground under our feet again --  it will get easier.

For now, I am fortunate enough to have a boss that understands me and knows that my random ‘emotional-ness’ is not due to work specifically but, really figuring out how to adjust to this new path.  

Working the Plan!!!

So now that we know what we are dealing with, with Michael it is time to start working the plan. The social worker that evaluated Michael left us with a first 100 day plan. In addition, we have also received advice from parents of children with special needs. One of the most valuable probably has been – “Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself. It doesn’t help anything and remember this is happening to him not you.”

This week:

• Told Austin and our parents
• Posted an ad for Michael and Gabby’s new nanny
• Created a schedule for the both of them that will start to outline the new way of life during the day
• Enjoyed each kid independently for at least 2 hours!!!

 That being said we have our tasks for the week:

• Add him to the waiting list of several Developmental Pediatricians
• Call and notify Austin’s Guidance counselor (just in case)
• Schedule our Tour for the CREC Autism Program/School
• Continue to enjoy each kid independently for at least 2 hours!!
• Give Austin the responsibility of tracking our family via video

What lies ahead for sure is a rollercoaster of good and bad times – but so far this week I think we have been so busy, getting ourselves organized that there was just no time for tears.

One-on-One Time!!

Michael was apparently exhausted tonight and Austin had baseball and hockey – so it was just the ladies tonight!!! I need some serious 1:1 time with my Miss. Gabby. Although I get to sneak it here and there on the weekend when nap time doesn’t completely overlap, tonight I had a full 2 hours of it!!!

It is definitely a reminder of how important and precious that one-on-one time with all the kids is especially with three of them.  I am setting a goal next year to use at least 1 full day of PTO per month to spend one-on-one time with all three (at different times obviously). I am thinking most of the time I will break it into 2 half days - but in all honesty I can't think of a better way to spend 12 days of PTO!! 

Pivotal Moments

Life is full of pivotal moments that change the course or the direction we thought we were headed for.  I have been fortunate enough to have some of these both positive and negative that have resulted in several “course corrections.” 

Yesterday, was one of those moments for us as a family.  It was the day we learned we received Michael’s diagnosis. Michael is autistic. Before today, I was confident I would be a complete mess once the words were actually uttered – I was surprising calm.  A sense of finally having an answer and knowing that we will begin down a different path for him – one that better meets his needs and helps him reach his fullest potential is actually comforting. I know in front of us the hills will be higher than we ever thought but, I know together there is nothing we can’t overcome (or in this case adapt to).

T-Minus 14 Hours

Tomorrow is the day for us. We have Creative Interventions coming over in the morning to play (or rather assess) Michael. I have been surprisingly relaxed the last couple of days. It may be that we were just crazy busy but, hopefully it is that I am coming to peace with whatever the outcome is.  I am a true believer in both everything happens for a reason as well as, we are not given anything we can't handle. This is just an experience that is definitely forcing us to see a new side of ourselves.

More to come...

My emotional rollercoaster

The added stress of not knowing yet with Michael combined with what I anticipate the outcome to be has resulted in an overwhelming amount of emotion constantly. I feel like if the wind blows a certain way it could result in uncontrollable tears pouring out.

Point in case, I cried during the first episode of the Housewives of NJ when Jacqueline described what she was going through with her youngest son. I ended up in tears in the basement for no apparent reason at all. On my way into work tears, as I write this tears. Pete so nicely reminded me that we don’t even have any answers yet and first and foremost it is my job to be strong for Michael.  So many parents deal with so much worse than we are dealing with and I try to keep reminding myself of that.  We have our AMAZING son who is the most fun in the world to play with, has an infectious laugh, and continues to surprise us on a daily basis.

By reading this you may think I am just an emotional person but, for those of you who don’t know me I pretty much am not. I am not a crier not until recently anyway.  I think the challenge right now of staying being the best mom I can to all of our kids while going through this journey with Michael is just requiring a new level of strength from me that right now I don’t know if I am capable of.  I know ultimately I am and eventually will look back and think how foolish of me – it would just be nice to get to the other side sooner rather than later.

My role as a student!

Last week was so crazy at work that on Tuesday (my first day of class) I actually didn’t leave work until 6:15. I was just so happy to be leaving and heading home that I totally forgot about class until 3 AM the following morning.

Yesterday, I remembered that I had class so I did make it and was on-time.  When it comes to getting your MBA I almost wish I could just pay whatever they want and they would give me the certificate. All courses are helpful and do provide insight but, the mass amount of courses needed are so hard to juggle with everything else.  My advice: Get your MBA prior to kids!

Glimmer!!

Michael was amazing yesterday there are days where I feel like he seems more of a "late talker" than anything. He was so much fun yesterday laughing and making eye contact at a more frequent rate I am thinking maybe we are worried about nothing.   Next week definitely can't come quick enough!  If anything it was a GREAT reminder on just what a FANTASTIC, FUN, ENERGETIC kid he is and that regardless of our outcome it is that spirit that we need to enable him to maintain.

Today was a better day for me stress-wise then most days lately. I think luckily I was so busy at work there was not much time for outside thoughts.

What a fantastic WEEKEND!!!!!

Austin

Our first weekend of hockey this weekend resulted in 4 goals and 1 assist!!! What a great way to start our new season and a great confidence booster to Austin. It is fun to watch him play when he truly is loving the sport! He stick handled around the other team several times – and no penalties!! That alone is a good thing.

Michael

Two stories Michael has loved since he was 6 months old has been “Mr. Brown can Moo! Can You?” and “Go Baby Go.” This weekend he actually took both books from me after reading and flipped through himself to read it! Of course most of his talking is like babbling but, there is enough in there to know that he not only knows the page he is looking at but, understands most of what he is talking about. Between the inflections in his voice and the occasional recognizable word it is great to see him wanting to do it on his own. I have to try to capture it on film because it not only fun to watch him read but, just as enjoyable to watch Gabby stand with him as if he is reading to her.  In fact, they did a pretty great job this weekend of ‘co-playing.’

Gabby

Right now one of the “funiest” things to do with Gabby is tell her to give someone else kisses. On top of that she is working on learning her words and tries new words every day. I still don’t know that she calls Pete and I distinctively “Mama” and “Dada” which makes me feel we must be doing something wrong but, we will keep working on it.  I do know that “Ma, Ma, Ma” does generally only get uttered when she wants my attention but, to have her say it on command is a waste of time.

Goals for the week ahead:

• Go apple and pumpkin picking!!!
• Try a new recipe
• Celebrate our 4th Anniversary and for a moment even just enjoy being a wife

Lost Time

I lose hours on a daily basis almost just reading. Although we don't have a diagnosis for Michael yet I feel like I know what is coming and he is more than likely autistic. To help myself hopefully cope with that once the words are spoken I read about it - a lot.  I can't imagine how much time I will lose daily if that is the diagnosis.

What I am finding though is there is just no good answers.  I really want something that says - do this and do that and you will get the best result for your child.   We have started to take steps to remove gluten from his diet and have limited background noises when he is awake to nothing. I think he is starting to babble more but, in all honesty I don't know if he is or if I just want him to be. 

Part of me still hopes that we find out he is in the 10% of kids that are just late talkers and then we can proceed as normal once we get him talking.   If that is the case I have obtained a whole new respect for parents of autistic children and how frustrating it must be to really not have the answers you need or want. Instead they are having to constantly "pilot" new things with their child to see what gets them best result.

When Austin was little he had ear infections from the time he was 15 months old straight through 23 months old. We were at the doctor every other week for antibiotics and as a result he also had delayed speech. The difference though was we knew why, except for a little difference of opinion between his pediatricians, I was told - he needs tubes.  So I had a problem and a clear direction on how to fix it.  It worked! Not only did he stop having ear infections but, his speech picked up rapidly so he was within the normal range.  With Michael I am still searching for that clear direction.

Our Crazy Weekends!!

Austin (our oldest) is at anytime playing 1+ sports during the year.  This time of year is no different with Fall Baseball and Hockey (and the occasional round of golf!).  Today started with a 9 AM baseball practice followed by a 3 PM away hockey game. 

Accomplishments of the day included a improved swing in baseball and 2 goals in hockey! Yippee!!! Opportunity of the day - more work on pitching now that we are on the bigger field. 

With the two little ones it is difficult to take them everywhere so I pick and choose. Today I did baseball in the morning and tomorrow I will do the home hockey game.  Even picking and choosing doesn't always result in a well watched game. Michael ran around the track next to the baseball field today and probably put in at least one mile - he absolutely loves running!!!

Had the opportunity to watch Michael play with Gabby today (rather than just be annoyed with her as she chases him around the house). It is funny to see how early in life the younger sibling being perceived as a pest starts.  He pushed her in their car around the basement and then folded up a piece of paper as a hat on her head after they were done coloring. 

Our Late Talker

One of the primary reasons I decided it was time to start a blog was so that we could track Michael's progress. At about 18 months (he is now 28 months) Michael was classified as a "late talker." At that point he was still social enough to rule out concerns of something more serious.

Finally, at 26 months following about a month of attempting to force him to use words we have seen him use in the past we decided it was time we had someone take a closer look. We started with having his ears tested. The test at this point was hearing in a room with speakers. The result was although his hearing may not be 100% it is not "bad enough to be contributing to late speech."

We moved onto the next step which was having him evaluated by Birth-to-three. Fortunately, or not so fortunately he qualified for services. Since our meeting on 8/31 we have outlined services he will recieve, completed an extended m-chat and scheduled a more in-depth evaluation to either rule in or rule out autism.  All-in-all it is a stressful experience so far and nothing makes you feel like worse of a parent through this exercise.  It makes you question everything:

• Did we wait too long and miss signs that we should have been pursuing earlier?
• Are we not pushing to have his hearing evaluated to truly rule it out?
• Are we sure it isn't food intolerances?
• Am I just not singing enough nursey rhymes or reading enough?
• Did I eat something during his pregnancy I shouldn't have?
• Did we introduce Gabby too quickly?

The list goes on-and-on-and-on. My head spins with so many questions throughout everyday and unfortunately there is just no answer at this point. 

Getting Started!

My little ones!!



Welcome to my journey through life!!! I am sure there will be bumps and bruises as I get familar with documenting my lessons as a mom, wife and full-time worker. Right now what is motivating me to begin to capture our journey is the uniqueness of each of our children and how quickly their life's are progressing.